The Beacon Brigade
by Un4givinCarnage
Summary: Got a problem? Don't worry because Detective Funbuns and his partner Detective Jones are on the case. Join the Beacon Brigade and stop the evildoers that threaten to tickle your buns. Deepest gratitude goes to Kegi Springfield for making the cover image!
1. Chapter 1

**RWBY belongs to Monty Oum and Roosterteeth**

**All OC's belong to their respective owners**

**A/N: By popular demand this has become its own individual story but it's based off the AU in Jaune's Legacy, if you have any questions, PM me.**

**The Beacon Brigade: Case 1- The Jokester**

Jaune had been going for a little stroll, admiring all the scenery that Beacon had to offer, when his scroll dinged indicating he had gotten a message. He checked his scroll for messages and saw he had gotten a message from his friend Sun.

_**Hey I'm kinda bored so I'm gonna head over to Beacon and we can chill. See you then.**_

Jaune didn't know what to feel about this message. He hadn't quite known the faunus for very long and they had only seen each other once.

'Hey what's the worst that could happen?' The blonde knight mentally reassured himself. How wrong he would be.

…

He looked at his message again and noticed that Sun hadn't given a specified place so he decided to continue his walk. He passed by the beautiful trees that Beacon was often known for, but his peaceful stroll was interrupted by a hiss that came from above.

"Oi Oi up here"

Jaune looked up and saw a grinning Sun sitting on the branches. Jaune was about to say something but was cut off by a scream coming from nearby. Instinctively he ran towards the scream quickly followed by Sun.

They came across a lone girl sitting on the ground. They rushed over to her and helped her up, she had tears in her eyes.

"What happened?" Jaune asked

"I came here to visit my brother but when I got to the main campus…a guy dressed in a cloak came up to me and…copped a feel…and then he left as quickly as he came" The girl sobbed

"Don't worry we'll catch him! What did he look like?" Sun questioned

"I don't know…all I saw was a black robe, but he was definitely male and he ran that way" The girl pointed towards Beacon's dorm rooms.

"Alright Jaune let's go!"

"Right!"

The two blondes sprinted off towards the dorms, not noticing the snickering girl they left behind.

…

Sun stopped before they could get to the dorms and Jaune ran into him.

"Why'd you stop?!" He yelled

"If we're going to do this then we're going to do this right!" Sun reached into his pockets and pulled something out. "BOOSH! Check these out!" Sun held out two identical sunglasses and threw one to Jaune. "We're two detectives on the quest for the Beanbag grabber!" Sun put on his sunglasses.

Jaune looked at him quizzically then down at the sunglasses. He mentally sighed and put them on.

"Awesome now we gotta come up with detective names!" The golden haired faunus exclaimed.

"You're really getting into this?"

"I've been lonely Jaune…so lonely…"

…

Ren was sitting in the cafeteria by himself. He had just finished training and decided to grab a snack. He sensed two people approach him, he identified one as his leader and the other he had no idea but they seemed harmless.

Jaune and Sun sat down on either side of him and scooted into his personal space. Ren calmly kept eating despite his discomfort.

"So Lie Ren, where were you at the time of…"

"Sun? You stuck?"

"WHERE WERE YOU LIKE AN HOUR AGO?!"

"Training" Ren calmly said, though his patience was running thin

"Hmmm…quick answer there…are you sure you weren't…GRABBING SOME LADIES LOVE MUFFINS?!"

Ren almost choked on his food. He looked up at the faunus with an intense stare and then looked to his other side at his leader.

"What?" Ren asked

"Some lady got inappropriately touched and we're trying to find the guy who did it" Jaune said sympathetically

"Don't get friendly with the culprit, Detective Funbuns!"

"Sorry Detective Jones"

"I'm sorry did he just say 'funbuns'" Ren looked at Jaune quizzically

Jaune sighed and looked at Sun.

"He isn't the culprit Sun, let's just go"

Sun got up and started walking away, followed by Jaune.

"Wait a minute did he just call you 'Funbuns'?" Ren asked again. The two blondes didn't respond and kept on walking.

Ren pondered on this name.

'Why is his name funbun-…oh…wait…' Ren thought back to all the times he had caught Pyrrha starring at his butt. He silently chuckled to himself. 'Funbuns…it all makes sense now'

…

"Detective Jones I think I've got another culprit in mind"

"Who ya thinkin Detective Funbuns?"

…

"Dun dun dun dun~" Sun sang as he hugged the wall in one of Beacon's corridors.

"Sun if you keep singing, you're gonna give away our loca-"

"DUN DUN DUN~" Sun sang louder

"Stop…here it is"

"You sure funbuns"

"As sure as my buns are fun"

"Alright let's do this!"

…

Cardin was in his pajamas and had been peacefully studying. The rest of his team members were lying about the room, silently doing whatever they usually do. All of a sudden the door flew off its hinges and two blondes walked into the room. Sky let out a girlish scream but was quickly silenced with Sun's foot.

"Arc?" Cardin said still in surprise

"Cardin!"

"Arc!"

"Cardin!" exclaimed Sun

"Who?"

"Wukong!"

"Wukong?"

"Wukong!"

"Wukong!"

"Dove!"

"Arc!"

"Russel!"

"Arc!"

"NORA~" came a muffled voice through the walls.

There was absolute silence as everyone froze. Finally Cardin's patience had run out and he was about to yell

"What the fu-"

He was cut off by a slap to the face delivered by none other than the knight himself. He grabbed hold of Cardin's shirt and pulled him off the bed. The two were now face to face.

"WHY'D YOU DO IT?!"

"DO WHAT?!" Jaune slapped him again

"WHY'D YOU TOUCH HER MANGOS?!"

"I haven't touched any fruit all day I swear!" Jaune slapped him again.

"THE BANGOS CARDIN, WHY DID YOU TOUCH HER BANGOS!"

"I have never even played bangos!" Jaune slapped him again.

"TELL THE TRUTH CARDIN! WE KNOW YOU TOUCHED HER MILK DUDS!"

"I don't even like Milk Duds!" Jaune smacked him again.

"Cardin just answer him! Funbuns has snapped!" Sun interrupted

"I don't know what's going on!" yelled Cardin.

"At around noon today a lady's Bon Bon's were touched by a stranger and we know it's you!" yelled Jaune.

"I would never touch a lady's hooters without her permission, what kind of guy do you think I am?!"

"Did any of your teammates touch her Grapefruits?!"

"No, we haven't left our dorm all day!"

All the other members nodded in fear at the psychotic blonde. They could see his left eye twitching even while he was wearing sunglasses. Jaune finally let go of Cardin and headed towards the door. He turned and stared at Cardin.

"Don't walk the streets alone, Funbuns is always watching" Jaune said calmly and left.

Sun quickly followed him, leaving behind a very confused team CRDL.

…

By the end of the day they had questioned every male student and even some of the professors. The two blondes decided to take a break and went to the cafeteria along with the rest of Team JNPR and Team RWBY.

"Ummm what's with the sunglasses Jaune?" questioned Ruby

"…"

"*sigh* what's with the sunglasses…Detective Funbuns…" Ruby cringed at the name.

"It's to show we mean business!" answered Sun

"Sooo"

"Don't question our methods!"

Jaune had long since given up on conversation and was thinking to himself

'Who would be so dastardly as to grab a girl's marshmallows…we've questioned everyone on the campus…there's no one else…Wait a minute…it can't be…can it…it has to be…there's no one else left…'

Jaune turned to Sun and tapped him on the shoulder.

"What is it Funbuns? Have you figured it out?"

"Yes I have, but first I want to ask you something"

"Sure, shoot"

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Grab her badonkadonks!"

"I didn't!"

"You're pretty good to have grabbed her marangos and somehow managed to be quick enough to climb into the tree just in time to meet up with me."

"That just sounds stupid!"

"Save it Sun, I bringing you in"

"How do I know that you didn't do it?!" questioned Sun

"Why would I do something like that?"

"Couldn't resist the temptations!"

The two had left the table and were now circling each other in the middle of the cafeteria; everyone had gone quiet and was eavesdropping on their conversation. The two finally leapt at each other and started wrestling on the ground. The wrestling soon diffused into a tickle fight and they were rolling around on the cafeteria floor. Everyone in the cafeteria face palmed.

…

Ozpin was quietly sitting at his desk when he heard a small knock.

"Come in"

Sun barged through the door carrying a tied up Jaune. His mouth was also sealed off with duct tape. He wiggled and mumbled through the duct tape. Ozpin pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed

"What is this?"

"I found the gauntlet grabber! It was a fierce battle that shook the heavens but I got him!"

"You mean that schoolgirl tickle fight in the middle of the cafeteria? That was not a fight…not even close…I could hear your girlish giggling from my office"

"Whatever it takes to get the job done. Though I gotta say I never suspected Funbuns to be the perpetrator, he was good partner"

Ozpin could feel his IQ dropping.

"Is this about that incident from this afternoon?" Ozpin asked. He sighed and pulled out his scroll. He typed something quickly and sent it. Minutes later Goodwitch arrived at his office pulling the girl from earlier by her ear.

"Don't worry Miss I found the guy!" Sun said smugly. Goodwitch looked at him and then at Ozpin, who nodded his head.

"Was this the girl you saw this afternoon?" Ozpin asked

"Yeah that's her!" Sun yelled and pointed

"You see, what we have here is a cross-dressing prankster that has been wreaking havoc all over Vystral. He's been causing a lot of trouble recently and we've finally caught him"

Ozpin could feel his patience slowly fade; something that almost never happened but as this day has gone on it has just been one problem after another.

"So Funbuns is innocent!"

"WHO IS- you know what I don't even care." Ozpin stated. He stood up and walked out of the room all while mumbling to himself.

…

Jaune and Sun had return to team JNPR's dorm room and busied themselves with making flyers. After hearing what the flyers were for, Pyrrha just shook her head and left to train, Nora thought it was awesome, and Ren just chuckled silently to himself.

"So tell me again, why are you guys doing this?"

"The city of Vystral needs us Ren!" Jaune answered.

"We put up these flyers everywhere in Beacon and find people to join the…Beacon Brigade!" Sun exclaimed raising his fist in the air.

"You saw us out there didn't you Ren, our detective skills were amazing if I may say so myself" Jaune bragged

"You didn't DO anything. You went around campus making all the men feel uncomfortable only to find that the person you were trying to help was pranking you! Not to mention you turned on each other!"

"Details details Ren. Don't dwell on the past." Sun said.

Ren turned over on his bed and started mumbling to himself. After a few minutes had passed he sat up and glared at Jaune.

"So what do you need to be a part of this 'brigade'"

Jaune gasped and stood up

"Renny! You're gonna join us!"

"I'm already regretting this"

"Too late!" Sun grinned and handed him a pair of sunglasses. "Every member needs a pair of sunglasses, it's how we can tell you're a part of our ranks!"

"Great, so do I get a secret code name?"

Jaune and Sun looked at each other and a smile cracked on their faces.

"Yeah, welcome to the team Detective Magenta"

Ren's eyes widened

"NOOOOO"

…

NEXT TIME ON THE BEACON BRIGADE:

"You've tickled your last butt! Turn yourself in!"

"NEVER!"

…

**A/N: Hopefully this attempt at Comedy has put a smile on some of your faces and…maybe…if I'm lucky…a giggle. Let me know if you liked it and I might make more of these silly chapters. As always, please leave a review and have a good day, Carnage out.**


	2. Chapter 2

**RWBY belongs to Monty Oum and Roosterteeth**

**A/N: The inspiration for Beacon Brigade comes from the idea of Jaune and Sun meeting and becoming best friends. I can see these two doing all kinds of crazy shenanigans **

**The Beacon Brigade Case 2: The retreat**

Jaune's experience with dust planes hadn't improved in the slightest. He still vomited uncontrollably and couldn't focus on the simplest of tasks. This is exactly why he released a long list of mental curses when he heard they were taking a two hour dust plane ride to a facility out in the middle of a forest for Beacon's annual one week retreat. The blonde knight tried anything to get out of going but all students and staff were required to go.

He spent the first hour of the plane ride sulking and complaining about his fate

Fortunately for Jaune there was a certain someone on that plane who knew just how to cheer him up. Jaune's scroll beeped, indicating that he had a message, he pulled it out and saw it was from his faunus friend, Sun. The message read:

'_Swiggity Swooty I'm lookin at yo booty'_

Jaune almost dropped the scroll out of sheer surprise.

Once he had composed himself he looked around at all the passengers until he spotted someone he had never seen before. A certain monkey tailed faunus with a hoodie on and the hood pulled over their face.

'No…it couldn't be…oh who am I kidding? Of course it's him' Jaune thought to himself. He walked over to the monkey tailed faunus and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Yes" The boy whispered

"Sun I know it's you"

"Who is this Sun you speak of?" the boy replied

"*sigh* There aren't any teachers around you're clear"

"My stowaway skills have prevailed yet again!"

"What are you doing here?!" Jaune whispered harshly

"I'm on a mission"

"What kind of mission?"

"A mission to catch the troublemaker that's been going around town lately"

"What troublemaker?"

"Tsk tsk tsk…How can you not know?!"

"Know what?!"

Sun grabbed Jaune by the back of the head and lowered his face until they were at eye level.

"About the troublemaker that's been going around and tickling guy's butts while they're asleep"

"…continue"

"They've made quite a name for themselves and many people think this person goes to Beacon"

"So how does this pertain to you?"

"I'm here to catch the crook and protect my brigade brothers for life from being mercilessly butt tickled in their sleep"

"Ugh…shouldn't we just leave this to the police"

"Jauney boy this is a job for the Beacon Brigade. We can't just let this person continue with their butt grabbing ways!"

Jaune heavily pondered on this.

"You're right…all those poor guys out there who are forcefully tickled in their sleep *shiver* it's a nightmare"

"I knew you would see it my way"

"Alright but first let me tell Ren"

"Tell Ren what?" asked the eastern boy who somehow materialized behind Jaune

"Uuumm…about Sun" Jaune said nervously.

"Oh I already knew about him"

"Wha- you did!"

"Yea I helped smuggle him on board"

"But why?"

"Brigade brothers for life"

"DAMMIT SUN"

…

They arrived at the facility one hour later. The facility wasn't anything special. It was actually a bunch of one story bamboo huts that could hold up to four people.

After they landed everyone went about collecting their things and peacefully made their way to their assigned huts…everyone except for a certain trio that was causing a loud commotion among the crowd of students.

"Can we? Can we? Can we? Pleeeeease" Pleaded Sun.

"*sigh* Fine" replied Jaune with a smile. He finally started to get into the swing of things again.

"Yes!"

Ren, Jaune, and Sun proceeded to pull out their sunglasses and put them on.

Pyrrha had collected her things and was now searching for the rest of her team. She spotted the back of Jaune's blonde head. She weaved her way in and out among the large crowd of students.

"Hey Jaune have you seen-" Pyrrha froze in her tracks when Jaune turned towards her, wearing his sunglasses. "No…"

"Hey Pyr what's up?"

Pyrrha looked desperately to Ren but was left in a horrified state when she saw him wearing the same exact sunglasses.

"Ren…not you too…"

"The name is Detective Magenta"

"Noooooo"

…

Night fell not soon after everyone had gotten settled in their huts. Each hut had a calm atmosphere around it; all the occupants had a feeling of joy as they knew that the next week would be spent in relaxation…all except for one hut that had an extra monkey tailed resident.

"Funbuns what are your thoughts"

"Hmmm…it could be anybody. Do we know anything about the perpetrator?"

"They like touching butts"

"Helpful as always Detective Jones"

"Anytime Detective Funbuns"

"We also know this person only goes after males" pitched in Ren

"Very perceptive of you Detective"

"Thank you Detective"

"You're welcome Detective"

"You do know that you aren't really detectives…right?" questioned an agitated Pyrrha.

"Nonsense Pyr we got badges!" exclaimed Jaune

"Those are star-shaped stickers" Pyrrha argued

"Psh what's the difference!"

"Well actually-"

"Funbuns I've got an idea!" interrupted Sun

"Yes Jones?"

"What if we set up bait right here in camp?"

"I don't understand"

"Alright look we send a message to everyone at Beacon that oh I don't know…CARDIN…has the softest buns in all of Beacon. The perpetrator can't resist something like that right? So if Cardin gets tickled by the end of the week then the scumbag really does go to Beacon."

"What if the butt tickler doesn't go for it?"

"He's gotta! There's no better chance than now...we're in the middle of the woods, in low security bamboo huts, and to top it all off everyone's let down their guard. It's perfect!"

"I have to agree with Detective Jones, it does sound like a good plan plus it's the only thing we have right now" Ren included.

Jaune pondered on the pros and cons.

'On one hand we can deduct if the butt tickler goes to Beacon, but on the other hand Cardin could gets his buns manhandled…wait…what's the bad part of this plan?'

"Alright! Let's do it!"

Jaune pulled out his scroll and messaged everyone in Beacon except for team CRDL and the teachers. Feeling satisfied with this plan the three detectives went to bed.

…

Jaune was awoken by a shrill scream in the night. He hastily got up and grabbed his sunglasses then rushed out of the cabin and towards the sound of the scream, hoping to catch the butt tickler before they got away.

Unfortunately he was too late. By the time he reached team CRDL's cabin there was no one there except Cardin who was curled up in a ball and shivering. He rushed over to Cardin.

"Did you see them? What did they look like?"

"I-I-I"

"Dammit man we don't have time for this! Which way did he go?"

"I didn't see…They- they were just so fast. One second I was sleeping in my bed and- and the next I was- being" Cardin stuttered out before breaking out in a crying frenzy.

Jaune gave up pursuing the ass tickler and decided to comfort Cardin in his fragile state until the teachers arrived.

They arrived a few minutes later and took control of the situation. Sun and Ren arrived not too long after the teachers. They, unlike Jaune, decided to grab their weapons before pursuing the sound of the scream. A bunch of students also starting leaving their huts to investigate what was going on, but all investigations were immediately stopped and students were told to go back to bed.

"Damn we almost had him!" Sun snapped while walking back to the hut. Alongside him were Ren and Jaune.

"No worries Jones, at least we know they do go to Beacon" calmly stated Ren.

"*sigh* I guess you're right, but I was really itching to catch the ass tickler. Funbuns what do you think?"

"I almost had them. If only I had gotten there just a little sooner" Jaune replied.

They arrived at their assigned hut not soon after their discussion and went back to bed. Jaune had trouble sleeping. He couldn't help but feel uneasy about something. He was finally about to fall asleep after hours of tossing and turning but his slumber was interrupted by a yelp. Jaune sat right up and came face to face with someone cloaked in a black robe. The cloaked figure wasted no time in bolting out of the cabin. Jaune wasn't about to let this opportunity go so he followed in close pursuit.

The figure ran into the woods and Jaune almost lost him in the darkness but he heard a loud shout from Sun coming from his left. The monkey tailed faunus kept hollowing every once in a while to let Jaune know where he was. They finally came to a clearing by a cliff. The cloaked figure retreated all the way back to the cliff.

Jaune, Ren, and Sun all surrounded him and cut off all routes of escape. Sun raised his hand and pointed his finger at the robed person

"You've tickled your last fanny, Danny!"

Ren immediately face palmed and Jaune just stared at Ren with a quizzical look.

"MY NAME'S CARL" shouted the robed figure before pulling off their cloak. Under the cloak was a boy about the same height as Jaune with curly hair and brown eyes. "And you!" Carl pointed an accusing finger at Jaune. "What is up with your buns! They're hard as rocks!"

Jaune smirked.

"They don't call me Funbuns for nothing. I have the some of the softest buns throughout all of Vale but you see I've trained my buns to be something lethal"

Carl's eyes widened in shock

"No…you don't mean…"

"Yes! I have buns of steel! They're trained to automatically clench up whenever danger is nearby"

Carl's face was filled with defeat and despair. He fell down onto his hands and knees with his head bowed down.

"I surrender…I'm no match for your buns"

"Hmph…come back when your hands can take the buns of fun"

"Nice job guys, another one caught!" Sun exclaimed pumping his fist in the air.

Their celebration was cut short by a loud rustle coming from behind them. The three detectives turned and readied themselves for a grimm but were surprised to find a silently chuckling Ozpin. The headmaster strolled over to them all while silently chuckling to himself. He went over and grabbed Carl by the ear and started dragging him back towards camp.

Before he left he approached Jaune and opened his mouth as if to finally say something, but all that came out were more chuckles. Ozpin walked all the way back to camp chuckling, not saying one word.

"That was…weird…" stated Jaune

"Aaah never mind him, we solved our second case!" exclaimed Sun. Ren nodded, silently sharing the boy's enthusiasm.

"Yea we did!"

"Hey you know at the end of some cheesy movies they leap into the air and high five."

"Yea…"

"Let's do that"

"But-"

"DO IT!" Sun yelled. Jaune immediately complied and with that midair high five their second case came to a close.

…

**NEXT TIME ON BEACON BRIGADE**

"**Give it up Frylord!"**

"**Oh no X-ray and Va- wait who are you losers?"**

…

"**DETECTIVE FLUTTERNUTTERS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

…

**A/N- Sorry for taking so long to update, been busy with things and stuff. Hopefully this got a few giggles, if not I hope you at least smiled. Almost done plotting the second arc for my other story so expect things there soon. Please leave a review and have a good night**

***puts on sunglasses***

**Detective Carnage out**


	3. Chapter 3

**RWBY belongs to Monty Oum and Roosterteeth**

**A/N- Butts are nice.**

**The Beacon Brigade: Case 3- The Clash**

It was a cool evening at Beacon. The sun was setting and everybody seemed to be bustling about, enjoying their evening, including the leader of team JNPR who spent most of his day with his partner studying for the upcoming test in Professor Port's class. The two teammates walked casually along one of the many sidewalks that surrounded Beacon.

"So you're sure you have everything down?"

"Yep, I'm totally gonna ace this test."

"Good to hear."

"Thanks for all your help PyrhaAAAAAA" Jaune yelled out the last part as a certain monkey tailed faunus ran up from behind and scooped him up bridal style.

"MINE!" He yelled as he sprinted towards Beacon.

"Hey get back here!" Pyrrha yelled while pursuing the kidnapper.

Even with the combined weight of Jaune the faunus managed to still stay ahead of Pyrrha. He eventually entered into one of Beacon's main buildings and started dashing through the halls.

The chase ended when Sun ran into of the classrooms, immediately after the door slammed shut and locked. Pyrrha attempted to reach for the door handle but was intercepted by a very serious looking Cardin.

Pyrrha huffed in frustration and look at Cardin with almost demonic like eyes.

"Cardin! Move out of the wa- Why are you wearing sunglasses?"

"The name's Detective Flutternutters and I'm afraid I can't let you in."

Pyrrha pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"Not this again…"

"I was given direct orders to not let anyone in that doesn't have a badge."

"They're not badges…THEY'RE STICKERS FOR THE LOVE OF OUM!"

"Still can't let you in."

"Of all people I didn't picture you joining this stupid club."

"I was quite surprised myself but after they caught the guy that tickled my buns I was suddenly stricken with the realization that this is where I belong."

"How so?"

"At first I didn't understand just how magnificent Detective Funbuns was but after hearing that he completely stopped the butt tickled with just the raw power of his iron butt cheeks I was stricken with admiration! I joined the Brigade so that I too may one day have buns of steel just like senpai~"

"Senpai?"

"I only hope that one day senpai will notice me!"

…

"I see so we have another mission?" A very distraught Jaune spoke while putting on his sunglasses.

"Yea and HE is personally gonna give us the details." Spoke Ren.

"You don't mean…HIM do you?" Jaune visibly shook in fear.

"Yea he should be here any second…" Sun spoke with clear uncertainty in his voice.

"Good to see you all could make it." Spoke a deep and ominous voice over the intercom.

"Sir!" The three boys saluted.

"Sorry for not meeting you in person…I have some…other matters to attend to. No matter, recently some farms have been attacked, their livestock disappearing, and the occasional mutilated cow. We have finally pinpointed what we believe is his next target. Your mission is to go there and put a stop to this merciless crook. All other details will be sent to your scroll. You are dismissed"

"Yes sir!"

The three boys exited the room and immediately ran into Cardin and Pyrrha having a dispute.

"What's going on here?" Sun questioned.

"Sir I was just trying to follow your orders but she kept trying to barge in on your meeting."

"I see…"

"Pyrrha please go back to the dorm, Ren and I will be back shortly"

"But-"

"Pyrrha please, we have important issues that we have to deal with."

Pyrrha sighed in defeat and started heading back to their dorm, she knew that once Jaune put on those sunglasses that there was no talking to him.

"Senpai did I do good?" Cardin spoke with high hopes.

"…Guys did you hear something?"

Cardin slumped in defeat.

"Senpai still hasn't noticed me…"

Ren patted Cardin on the back with a sympathetic look on his face.

"Maybe someday Flutternutters…maybe someday…"

…

"…You are dismissed."

"Professor Ozpin?" Spoke Glynda with mild concern. She flicked on the lights to reveal Ozpin hunched over his desk and speaking into a microphone, upon his face sat a pair of sunglasses. "No…"

"The name's not Ozpin…"

"Please no…"

"It's The Wizard."

"I think it's very unwise to encourage them to continue what they're doing."

"Come now Glynda haven't you ever had fun like this when you were a kid?"

"No."

"Well that explains the pole…"

"Pole?"

"Yea the one up your ass"

_***Ozpin spent the next three weeks in intensive care***_

…

After a 30 minute trip in a dust plane, where most conversation that took place was over who had the shiniest sunglasses, they finally arrived at the farm that they were supposed to be watching.

Not long after they arrived they heard strange noises coming from the barn and decided to check it out. Upon entering the barn's large doors they saw a caped figure wearing a skull mask petting a cow.

"Stop right there Evil doer!" Jaune exclaimed.

"Oh no! It's X-ray and Va- wait who are you losers?"

"We are the Beacon Brigade and we're here to stop you…evil bad pain giver guy!"

"My name is Frylord!"

"You don't mean THE Frylord!" Sun spoke with terror

"That's right and my trusty sidekick EDGAR!" Frylord pointed to the cow he was previously stroking.

"Hehehe I got over my fear of cows like a week ago!" Jaune yelled triumphantly.

"Is that so? How about a super cow?" The Frylord reached into his cape and pulled out a syringe filled with blue liquid. He jammed it into the cow and emptied its contents into the cow's blood stream.

Mere seconds after the needle was injected, the cow started wobbling from side to side and mooing in a very faint tone. The cow suddenly started mutating and getting bigger. Its front two hooves changed into full-fledged hands with claws, it stood on its back two hooves with ease, muscles started to build and bulge. It eventually developed a very muscular body with a six pack and the cow had doubled in size.

The Brigade stood speechless, staring at the now super cow. The one who broke the silence was none other than Sun Wukong.

"Nice six pack bro." was all he said.

"I think we could still take him." Ren said with a confident smile.

"He's right you're still just a cow!" Cardin yelled.

"Oh we aren't finished yet!" The Frylord snarled. He brought out another syringe filled with red liquid and jammed it into the cow's leg. The cow transformed again, this time its size tripled, it developed a twelve pack and the muscles all over its body grew immensely.

The reactions of the Brigade varied.

"*Squeak*"

"NOOOO it has more abs than I do!"

"Mother of God…"

"I think I just peed a little…"

The brigade backed away and readied their weapons.

"Funbuns what do we do!"

"TRY PUNCHING IT!"

Sun immediately ran up to it only to fall into a trap hole.

"You actually fell for it! My God you guys suck!" mocked the Frylord.

"Guys help! I can't get out!" Sun pleaded.

"You aren't going anywhere…Edgar the second…"

"HELP ME!"

"Hold on Jones! We'll get you outta there!" yelled Jaune.

"Edgar charge!" The Frylord yelled.

The rest of the brigade members sprinted out the entrance, immediately followed by the mutated cow that made an even bigger entrance for the barn.

Edgar charged at Jaune, fist raised.

"SENPAI LOOK OUT!" Cardin dashed in front of Jaune in a protective pose. The cow's fist made contact with Cardin's face and sent him flying.

"FLUTTERNUTTERS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jaune yelled his hand outstretched.

'You…finally noticed…me…Senpai…I can…die…happy…' Cardin thought as he was sent flying into the forest.

"May your Nutters flutter in the next world" Jaune whispered.

Jaune turned to face his opponent.

"Well then?! COME ON AND FACE THE BUNS OF STEEL!" Jaune yelled.

The cow lowered its horns and stomped its hooves into the ground, clear preparation for a charge. Upon seeing the new threat Jaune clenched his buns even harder.

'My buns have never been penetrated before and DAMMIT THAT STREAK WON'T END TODAY!' Jaune thought.

Edgar charged with immense speed and would've punctured Jaune if he had not intercepted with his iron buns. The two struggled in a clash between horn and butt cheek. It was a fierce struggle, neither side giving even an inch. To any onlookers it would look wrong but the cow and Jaune understood one thing. They couldn't give in to the other.

Epic Opera music started playing out of nowhere; even the gods understood the importance of this clash.

'I…have trained…my entire life…for this…I cannot lose here!' Jaune thought.

Suddenly a roar echoed through the night followed by loud footsteps. Neither combatant dared to even acknowledge this even for a second for fear of losing their concentration. Next thing Edgar knew he was on the ground. A second giant mutated cow had entered the fray and tackled Edgar to the ground. A very pleased Lie Ren sat atop this large beast.

"What?! But how!" Yelled the Frylord. He reached into his pockets to check if his back up syringes were still there but he was surprised to find that they were both gone. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Nice job Magenta!" Jaune yelled. The two cows wrestled back and forth, each struggling for control.

A flash of light blinded everyone followed by a loud voice.

"Freeze!"

…

"Um sir what exactly is going on here" questioned one of the police officers.

"Oh no not these guys again" Detective Burns huffed in frustration. "Ya know what? F #$ it, Get me the tranquilizer gun, I'm not dealing with these idiots."

"But sir-"

"Just get me the gun!"

…

"Detective Burns! So glad you could join us!" exclaimed Jaune who immediately fell down into the ground, a dart sticking out of his neck. Not soon after, everyone started to drop.

After Detective Burns was finished with his rampage all that was left were three sleeping men, two sleeping mutated cows, and a very beat up barn.

"SENPAI I'M HEEEEERRREE" Cardin broke through the trees but was put down as well.

…

The three boys woke up a couple hours later in an interrogation room. Detective Burns along with another officer were sitting across from them with a very angry look.

"I hope you three understand just how much trouble you're in!" Burns yelled at Ren, Cardin, and Jaune. "You do understand that you're not actually Detectives!"

"None sense! Of course we are, we have badg-"

"STICKERS! THEY ARE STICKERS!"

"…someone's a little cranky…"

"Look here-"Burns was cut off by his cell phone's ring. "*sigh* I'll be right back. Tucker watch em."

"Sure"

After ten minutes, Burns returned with a very smug look on his face.

"Okay so good news is that I'm letting you go."

"YAY!" the three exclaimed

"And I'm handing you over to Goodwitch"

"NOOO!"

"She also told me to deliver a message to each of you. Jaune she said and I quote 'I'm going to tear you a new anus'"

Jaune clutched his buns in fear.

"Please no…"

"Cardin her message to you was rather surprising and enjoyable to hear. All she said was 'I'm going to rip off your nipples'"

Cardin hugged his chest and gasped in a feminine manner.

"And Ren. 'Nora duty for the next 3 months'"

Ren almost had tears welling in his eyes.

"Oh and one for Sun. Wait…where is Sun?"

…

"Guys? I'm still down here!...anybody….please…I'm so lonely…OH NO SPIDER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK"

**A/N- Well I hope I got a few smiles out of you all…maybe…even if it was just one…a giggle. **


	4. COMING SOON

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind was howling and rattling the base of the Beacon Brigade. Their very base threatened to collapse. Suddenly a giant red haired monster broke through the roof of their base and caused it to tumble down.

"Aw Pyrrha why'd you do that?" Jaune whined.

"You skipped out on practice to create a pillow fort with your friends and this is your punishment!" Pyrrha snapped.

"We have important work to do!" Sun yelled.

"Yeah!" The other boys shouted. Ren and Cardin starred defiantly at the red head while Ozpin tried to rebuild their fallen base.

"Headmaster? Please Monty no…" Pyrrha pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. This foolishness had gone on long enough, she would need to call THEM in. "I'll be right back…" she muttered and exited the room.

"All right boys let's get down to business." Jaune paced back and forth in front of other the brigade members. "A certain someone has gone missing these past few weeks…a certain group of people that are very important to us all. We all know who I'm talking about!"

Ren politely raised his hand. "I have no idea who you're talking about..." He said.

"Butter and eggs man! Did you not have a childhood? I'm talking about the great men, who deliver presents to all the good boys and girls, the Achieve men.

"Ohhhh those guys. Aren't they a boy band?" Ren questioned.

"No, they are the men who make us all giggle like little school girls when we're down, they are the men that surprise us even when we think we are as solid as my butt cheeks, they are the men that deliver sugar to even the saltiest of hearts and now they are gone. Kidnapped by some evil fiend that threatens to take over all of Remnant and we are the heroes that will pour salt onto his breakfast of evil. NOW LET'S ROLE!

**BEACON BRIGADE: RISE OF PROF. EVILBADPAINGIVER**

**COMING SOON!**


	5. Chapter 4

**I don't own RWBY or Pirates of the Caribbean!**

**COME AT ME BRO! **

**HAVE THE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN THEME SONG READY!**

**Beacon Brigade: Rise of Professor Evilbadpaingiver**

"Funbuns senpai!" Cardin shouted joyfully.

"Silence peasant!" Jaune spat. "We don't have time for this! The Achieve Men await us!" Jaune rose from his spot among the fallen blankets. "Detective Jones gather the battle ostriches, we ride at dawn!"

Sun stood and saluted before scurrying out of the room and down the hallway.

"Detective Funbuns what shall I do?" Ren asked.

"Raid the kitchen and grab as many supplies as your manly hands can carry!" Jaune commanded.

"Yes sir!" Ren yelled and saluted before rushing out of their dorm.

"Detective The Wizard I'm going to need you to stay here and distract HER." Jaune turned to face Ozpin. He gently put a hand on his shoulder, a tear threatening to fall down his face. "You'll be the real MVP."

The scene of a cliff near an ocean played in Ozpin's head.

"I know. I remember what happened to your buns after she caught you during our last investigation…and of course how we had to change Detective Flutter Nutters' name to Detective Purple Nips after she was done with his bosom." Ozpin looked at the pitiful Cardin who broken down into tears.

"I thought my buns would never be fun again…" Jaune's eyes had slightly darkened.

"Aye. Go…go and fulfill our dream…and don't forget to get me an autograph."

"OZPIIIIIIIIN!" A feminine voice roared through the hallways.

"She's figured us out!" Ozpin shouted. He picked up Cardin and Jaune and tossed them out the window. Jaune face planted into the ground while Cardin exploded upon impact for reasons.

"Fly you fools!" Ozpin shouted before ducking back inside the dorm.

"But Wizard…Ostriches can't fly!" Jaune called back. A sudden fire burst from Jaune's dorm window followed by a demonic roar. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jaune screamed and fell to his knees.

His cries were cut off as Sun rode in on an ostrich and snatched him up.

"We must go! Your buns can't take another penetration session!" Sun yelled.

"You're right; we can't let The Wizard's sacrifice to be in vain." Jaune agreed.

Jaune spotted Ren and another ostrich not far behind them. What really got Jaune's attention, was the giant bags filled with two cubic tons of rice tied to Ren's ostrich.

"OUM MAGENTA! WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT MUCH RICE?" Jaune yelled.

"YOU SAID TO GRAB AS MUCH FOOD AS MY MANLY HANDS COULD CARRY!" Ren replied.

"I don't know what's more surprising, the fact that Detective Magenta can carry two cubic tons or that the school had two cubic tons of rice at the ready." Sun added.

"No time for that! Quickly, mount your ostrich, Funbuns!" Ren yelled.

After stopping and getting themselves more situated, and a quick debate on who had the better VA, they rode into the dawn.

"So…anybody got any interesting discussion topics?" Ren asked.

"I wonder why it hasn't started." Sun asked.

"Why what hasn't started?" Ren asked.

"BOYS WE FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART?" Jaune shouted and pulled out a pair of sunglasses.

Both boys face palmed and looked at each other with an 'of course' look. They both pulled out their sunglasses and mounted them on their faces.

***QUEUE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN THEME SONG***

"Much better." The three boys agreed.

They came to a clearing by a farming field where an elderly couple was hard at work tending to their field and as they spotted the three boys riding on ostriches followed by two cubic tons of rice in the light of the sunrise they cried tears of joy at the beauty of it.

***MEANWHILE AT BEACON***

"OH GOD EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!"

"OZPIIIIIN *pterodactyl noises*"

***MEANWHILE WITH THE BEACON BRIGADE***

The boys followed their ever fearless leader as the sun rose and the theme song in the background looped on and on. Finally after what seemed like hours of riding they arrived at the gates of a large city. The three boys demounted and strode up to the gates of the city.

"Um guys how do we get the music to stop playing?" Sun asked.

"What?" Ren shouted.

"I said how do we get the music to stop playing?!" Sun yelled.

"What?"

"Silence." Jaune raised his hand and balled it into a fist.

***PIRATES THEME STOPS***

"How did you do that? Sun asked in astonishment.

"I would also like to know…" Ren added.

"It's called Protagonist magic. I'm the only one who can use it." Jaune said nonchalantly.

"I thought I was a Protagonist too!" Sun yelled.

"You need to assert yourself as a Protagonist. In due time Sun…In due time." Jaune patted his yellowed tailed friend on the shoulder.

The trio proceeded through the city gates. The city was encased in a giant glass dome with giant spires everywhere.

"Are we on Gallifrey?" Ren asked.

Jaune sighed and turned towards Ren. "No one's going to get that reference."

"Then why are we in a place like this if no one's going to get the joke?" Ren questioned.

"Because the writer was too god damn lazy to be original." Jaune looked at the ground in defeat.

**HEY QUIT BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!**

"Sorry but you don't give us much to work with here!" Jaune yelled at the sky.

"Who are you talking to and who is this writer person?" Sun asked.

"Protagonist magic Sun... Protagonist magic." Jaune continued through the city leaving behind Ren and Sun who looked at each other with worried expressions.

"Do you think he's lost it?" Sun asked.

"He never had it to begin with." Ren answered.

The trio walked through the city with ease since there were only black silhouettes occupying the city.

"There he is!" Jaune yelled and sprinted through the crowd.

"Jaune wait! Stranger danger!" Sun yelled and followed the blonde.

"I don't want to be touched in the testicles!" Ren yelled and followed the other two.

When Jaune finally stopped, a brown haired man in detective clothing was standing with his back to the blonde.

"Detective Burns! We've come to improve your life."

Without even turning around, the detective knew who it was. He sighed and turned around.

"You idiots again…" Detective Burns didn't even have the energy to yell.

"Why the long face?" Jaune asked. "Are you a horse?"

"No. I punch horses. Look you try to be in a city full of extras that don't talk and see how you like it. I'm just glad that I finally get someone to talk to." Burns smiled a bit before returning to his usual frown. "You can also tell this is between season one and season two because some of them are transforming into actual character models like that guy over there."

One of the silhouettes stumbled through the crowd, half of him was a normal person; the other half was still a black silhouette.

"KILL ME!" he yelled.

"It's goddamn gruesome." Burns cringed at the sight.

"We have a few questions for you actually." Jaune asked, ignoring the terror in his heart.

"Ok shoot."

"We heard that the Achieve Men have been captured and I know that you know where they are."

"Oh yeah…you should probably give up on that case…"

"Never. We need those autographs man!"

"Look the guy who kidnapped them is one bad cookie. You don't want to mess with him. He makes the Frylord look like a stuffed kitten puppy."

"Trust me; I can handle anything you throw at me."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself."

"When you spend Saturday night with Glynda in her torture chamber while she sticks badger after badger on your rump then you can say I can't handle it but until then…"

"I get it. Sounds like hell."

"Yeah. Sucked the fun right out of my buns"

"Well I do have the location and I just so happen to have the transportation to get you there but he probably won't be staying there long so we better get a move on."

"Ok we'll have to do that next time. We're all out of time for now."

"What the hell are you talking abou-

**BEACON BRIGADE: RISE OF PROFESSOR EVILBADPAINGIVER PART 2 COMING SOONERER**

**A/N- So I may have gone momentarily insane and I'm sorry for the wait. Part two will come MUCH sooner than part 1. I'm thinking tomorrow if I can. Also DOES ANYONE HAVE KIK? My username is ****Un4givinCarnage**** if you want to message me and chat for whatever reason. I like making friends.**

**I'm also looking for a website where I can post original story ideas because I have some many ideas and I need to get them out of my head before the vanish so if anyone has one then PLEASE let me know.**

**Thanks for being beautiful, Carnage out.**


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